#TheFathersHeart_The Styrofoam Cup Pt. 1
An open sore leads to infection. An unguarded heart can lead to a heart break. Unprotected sex before marriage leads to a baby before you are ready…soul ties…STD’s (sometimes can’t get rid of)…more heart break…unhealthy relationship cycles, Need I go on?! Take my word for it! Been there and done that—had the t-shirts annnnd destroyed them!
But that’s exactly what happens and what it feels like being uncovered. Unprotected. In. These. Streets.
You’re left open.
I remember my first boyfriend. I was a late bloomer but when I bloomed, I. Bloomed! Flower power to ya girl! I was 18. I started dating “Marshall” nearing the end of my senior internship I was doing in high school. He was older than me. 25. He towered over me and his skin was dark. Like daaawk!
Marshall watched me. I remember sitting at lunch with a friend and he eyed me. I was so thrown because before then I had never had a man look at me in that manner, that wasn’t 50 years old (if I did get attention it was from the geriatric community…so I always shrugged it off 😂) and I notice it. I was naive. I thought I was doing something wrong or I had a stain and only he noticed….I don’t know! I was just confused! He finally came up to me and in the thickest and most smooth French/African accent said “You’re gonna be my girlfriend!” He was from Senegal. I just bashfully smiled, put my head down, gathered my tray from lunch and walked away….with a number. My friend and I cracked up.
>> Fast FORWARD>>
Last couple of weeks of school he came to see me without anyone knowing. He drove a brown Astro Van. He delivered the newspapers.
After school let out, if I was to continue to see him, then I would have to tell my folks! I was scared! Terrified actually! I never had a boyfriend. And I knew they wouldn’t approve. BUT! My granny shockingly asked to meet him! My. Heart. Dropped! Yet excited, I agreed. I called him and we scheduled that weekend, which everyone was “coincidentally” at my house. (only added person was my aunt but that IS everyone in my world)
I had always seen Marshall in work clothes. He delivered newspapers in bulk to hospitals, gas stations, and markets…so he always was grungy looking but he was still attractive to me at the time. (love is NOT blind but will make you GO blind because I reflect today and this dude was NOT the cutest crayon in the box…maybe cause I am laying next to this Chocolate Biscuit husband of mine, #beardgang, thick and curly hair, with a smile that consumes my bad day…I digress!) But when he showed up to my house?! He. Cleaned. Up. He had on a mens velour suit, white with a blue stripe up the side of his pant leg; A fitted blue cap to match and white shoes. He brought me flowers and I smelled him from the van while I stood on the porch. I ran out and greeted him and he politely kissed me on my cheek. My granny wasn’t too far and engaged in convo immediately. My Paw Paw chilled. My aunt stood a little far off just looking.
Marriage was soon talked about and we planned to secretly get married that winter. (He probably needed a green card 🙄) After the GREAT first impression, my family trusted him. But what seemed like just the right time to switch the game up and confuse me, he did! He became mean gradually and secretive over time.
And then it happened…
I was at his house, and he had just made some African dish and I was straightening up his apartment. (Only “love” could make me do THAT! Lol) Then there they were. I found a pair of female underwear and my stomach hit the other sphere of the earth. I was mad and scared, mostly mad and thats the emotion shown. I went storming to the kitchen. And threw them. (Madea movie, I know…) but he grabbed me up threw me up against a wall and banged his fist up against the wall and I was in the middle. He yelled something in French (to this day I don’t know what was said) and tears streamed down my face. In that moment, I felt my mom. I was quiet the rest of the evening. When he dropped me off, I only seen him a few times after. I stopped talking about him. I slowly stopped calling him. And then stopped answering his calls. I wasn’t doing that! I wasn’t going to be like my mom.
I didn’t become angry with God immediately after. It wasn’t until after a trail of incidents that I did. (I may write about that one later.)
Why was no one checking for me? Not a question asked. After being sheltered for so long, I felt like I was thrown out for the wolves to devour. (Even though it was my choice.) I felt alone. After all, he didn’t rape or put his hands on me the way others would categorize as serious.
But what happened was deep. Outside my Paw Paw, it was the first interaction I had with “love” and it wasn’t the fairytale high school sweetheart feeling this hopeless romantic thought it would be. My perspective of love was damaged and every “relationship” I seen through this obscured vision.
I felt like I had to take it all. I was a punching bag for anger and feelings and hurtful words was my normal.
I remember another “relationship” I found myself in after I encountered Christ. And he said some pretty damaging things to me through twitter. (that relationship I said I may talk about) He Hacked into my account and for all the world to see, damaged my integrity. And it triggered something in me that I had never felt. HATE! I left work, pawned a few things for extra cash, got in my 1999 Dodge Durango and I had a plan. I called my sister in Christ and I told her what I was going to do. Nothing was going to stop me!! He had to pay. Pay for them all. Somebody did.
I didn’t feel “He will cover you with his feathers. He will shelter you with his wings. His faithful promises are your armor and protection.” Psalm 91:4
It was total opposite! I was in fact was heavy, (and not cause I was chunky! I was skinny fat back then!) much like an anchor! I was Weighed down in a hole of depression. I was so uncovered and vulnerable to all the wrong things. There was no protection. No barriers. I was weak and flimsy. Much like…
A styrofoam cup…with holes; leaking and not overflowing.
…to be continued…